


i'm the narrator and this is just the suicide note

by orphan_account



Series: Always a Hurricane [1]
Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Bisexuality, Boys In Love, Depression, Dissociation, Emo Quartet, Emo Trinity, Gay, Homosexuality, M/M, Medication, Meds, P!ATD, Panic Attacks, Panic at the Disco - Freeform, Pills, Self Harm, Suicide, brallon, depersonalisation, derealisation, mental health, patd - Freeform, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2018-12-12 03:25:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 18,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11728500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: dallon writes a suicide note and brendon is then brought along dallon's journey.





	1. Chapter 1

“Dear Brendon,

I love you. I never told you and now is the only chance that I will get to because I'll be gone. Do not fear, for the unrequited love will not have to ruin our best friendship. You are so beautiful. This here is a confession in itself, along with a goodbye. Your big brown glossy eyes and bouncy brown hair pulled me in an I was instantly magnetised by you. That's why I didn't give up on music. You. Fuck. I hope you couldn’t already tell while I was still here. I’ve written this letter in preparation for when the time comes that I finally make the right decision; end mine and everyone else's misery. Truth be told, I've been taking medication since we started the tour and I've came to the conclusion that I simply can’t be fixed. All of the bullshit meds and therapy I’ve been going through has done fuck all, meaning that this is the only option I have. Don’t let my suicide ever effect you; it’s simply what's best for all of us. I love you.

-Dallon”

It was the penultimate day of tour and they were travelling home in the bus now, with no more shows to play. Brendon was just about to shake Dallon to wake him up when he noticed a notebook laying on the man's chest, the pool of words facing a world of unawareness. Brendon only quickly glanced at it, but he was almost certain he saw his name. Clearly, he gave in to reading it with barely a thought. He knew he would end up reading it and there was no point even questioning it. He couldn't not look. As his eyes travelled across the page, they travelled faster and faster along with the beat of his heart. As soon as he finished reading, he chucked the notebook back down. The sudden, forceful action was, in fact, enough to wake up the man himself.

As Dallon began to stir, Brendon’s whole body completely froze while he stared at Dallon. As he came to his senses, Dallon started to send back a confused glare, but the realisation hit him. Guilt and panic punched him in the stomach. He had to physically clench onto it. He saw the notebook was facing up and just knew that Brendon had to have read it. After all, what else would that face have said?

Dallon instantly started hyperventilating. His normal pigmentation drained out of him until his skin was plastered with a blueish pale. His eyes were open, but all he could see was black.

“Dallon!? Dallon, listen to me, you’re turning fucking blue. I’m not going to hurt you. It's okay. It's going to be okay, I promise. We can talk about this later, but right now you’re having a panic attack. Can I do anything to help you? Is there something I can get you?”

“B-Bren-help-breathe...” He screwed up his face, fighting so hard against the panic, but wondering why. Why should he stop panicking? His life really had just turned to shit. Turned to shit before he managed to even end it.

“Okay, I’m going to trace a line up and down your arm. As I go up, I want you to take a deep breath in. As I go down, let the breath out nice and slow. In time with me. okay?"

Dallon nodded, and in a shaky voice, replied, “Okay.”

Brendon took one of Dallon’s hands and held it, allowing him to squeeze onto it whilst he very gently and soothingly traced the line on the other arm. Dallon followed along with his breath, gradually getting slower and slower.

A few minutes of taking deep breaths and reassurance had passed and Dallon was now just feeling more anxious than panicked.

“Hey, it’s going to be okay,” Brendon said in a small voice and placed his hand on Dallon’s knee. The gesture made Dallon feel just the tiniest of the tiniest bits better. He was beyond relieved that Brendon had even stayed with him through that and wasn’t weirded out by his stupid crush or scared off by his issues.

“I’m so sorry; that’s literally all I can say to you,” Dallon’s voice cracked and he threw his head back to fight the tears.

“Okay, but listen to me. I'm going to be brutally honest because that's what you need." Brendon sucked in a breath and continued, "Dallon, you aren’t sorry. You’re not well and you plan on killing yourself. Don’t tell me that just because I’ve seen the note you’re all of a sudden not depressed and not suicidal because I know for a fact that’s not how it works. And you know what? That’s okay, because we can work through this.”

“But... now you know that I’m... into you... and that’s just--" Brendon cut him off by barging his big lips right in with a hungry kiss. it was a requited love. At first, Dallon froze in shock, but he then realised that this was the exact moment he’d been aching for for the longest time and returned the passionate pressing of lips.

“Dallon Weekes you are a beautiful man," he breathed happily after pulling away from what neither of them wanted to end.

“You're quite fucking gorgeous yourself," Dallon replied, almost in a trance.

“Now I'm not one to spoil the moment, but we do need to talk to Zack about this. Not about us just kissing, that’s odd, um, but we need to talk to him about your wellbeing. It’s his job to keep you and I and the rest of the band safe.”

“Mm whatever you say Bren,” Dallon replied, slightly delirious and dizzy. He was acting like this because of all his horrible thoughts clogging up his brain being forced in with one huge quick high – that being his kiss with Brendon. Dallon of half an hour ago would not approve of speaking to Zack about anything remotely of the topic. In fact, Dallon of half an hour ago was fast asleep, unbothered, at peace for those few hours of sweet sweet unawareness.

Dallon got out of his bed, slid on jeans and a t-shirt within about ten seconds and before he knew it he was walking alongside Brendon (his new _lover_ !?) on the way to talk to his body guard about him planning to commit suicide. Halfway down the mini corridor of the bus it hit him and it was visible to Brendon that it had too. “Nice and calm, remember, we said we’d get through this.” He reassured Dallon, pulling his attention back to him and bringing back the slight sense of that mesmerisation he was feeling before.

“Hey guys, what’s going on?” Zack asked. He sensed something may have been up as the two of them approached him, both of them with mild feelings of anxiety of which seemed to be apparent by their faces. The two of them exchanged looks and Dallon got Brendon to explain it all to Zack meanwhile he stood alongside, nodding nervously.

“Dallon, dude... don’t fucking kill yourself,” Zack said. Zack doesn’t usually get overly emotionally invested in people, therefore it took Dallon by surprise when he pulled him in for a hug. “First of all, I’ll lose my job,” he said jokingly and they all let out a small chuckle, “and secondly, for real, we all enjoy your company and care about you. We’re family here and we would hate to lose you.”

“I appreciate it and I am so sorry.”

“No, Dallon, I don’t want to hear it—your apology. So, as Brendon mentioned you wrote in your note, you’ve been on meds. Is that right?”

“Yes,” he reluctantly replied.

“You need to be truthful right now when I’m having this conversation with you in order to rebuild our trust in each other. Where are your pills?”

There was a long pause in which Dallon began to question in his head why the fuck any of this was happening and why he was suddenly opening up to people. Before he could ponder it long enough, Brendon nudged him and said “Dall, you’re going to regret not saying.”

Dallon slowly opened his mouth, not managing to get the words out. “Deep breath,” Brendon whispered. Listening to what he said, Dallon inhaled slowly through his nose to prepare himself and finally let it out. “In my suitcase.”

“Okay," Zack said slowly, with thought, "you need to give them to Brendon. There’s no point in me taking them off you because the tour is over now, but I know that there is no way in hell he is going to let you go back home alone or have free use of pills, are you Bren?”

Brendon shook his head and said, “No, Dall, you’re staying with me at my apartment. I will make sure you get the meds you need to be taking.”

“O-okay,” Dallon said to all of the arrangements that were suddenly being made, not wanting to argue and be any more of a burden than he felt he was. “If you’re really sure, Brendon?”

“I’m sure” he smiled.


	2. Chapter 2

dallon’s pov

we’re all saying our goodbyes once we get off the bus and before we know it, brendon and i are in his car, driving to his place with all of our belongings in the back.

brendon’s apartment is quite small, but nonetheless, absolutely stunning. personally, i don't think we even need to find a new place. it’s so much more welcoming than the big empty colourless flat i was living in. it was cold.

brendon's coming over to me and interrupting me from my thoughts with my bottles of meds and a kiss on my forehead, “what’s your shedule and dosage for all of these?” he asks.

“i don’t need them” i respond with a slight whine. i know that it's pointless even putting up a fight and that brendon will tell me that this is a subject not up for confliction, however I simply can't keep in my hatred for these pointless pills.

“don’t make me bring up that god damn note, dallon. i’m calling your doctor to ask for your dosage.” brendon takes my phone out of my hands and walks into his... our bedroom.

i can only just make out his words from the sofa.

“hello, hi, this is brendon urie calling for dallon weekes? yes, yes dallon's living with me now and i’d just like to know what his dosage and schedule is for his medication. i just need to ensure that he is taking the right pills for his own safety.” there was a pause “okay, thank you very much. will do.”

he walks over to me straight after the call ends and tells me to come into the kitchen with him. he opens the bottles, gets out two pills and places them in front of me with a glass of water and a sad smile.

“i didn’t know you’d been prescribed with so many pills. you really should have told somebody on tour.”

i hesitated for a moment before my reply. "actually... um... spencer kind of... knew..." i didn’t want to lie to him, he doesn’t deserve to not be able to trust his own boyfriend.

“spencer knows!? and he didn’t even tell anybody! does he not know how fucking dangerous that is!?” brendon snapped.

“please brendon, please don’t get mad at him. he swore to me that he wouldn’t tell anyone and i basically blackmailed him into doing so. he doesn’t deserve any more abuse on this whole matter, blackmailing him was enough.”

“how did spencer find out?” he asked, passively avoiding everything i just said.

“he walked in on me taking them towards the beginning of the tour. that was around when i’d first even decided to try pills and went to get them just before we left for tour. back when i wasn’t as good at hiding things, but i kind of learned as the days went by how to be more secretive about things.” i cringe at myself once the words pour out of my mouth.

-

brendon and i have just finished unpacking mine and his belongings and tidying up the place, we're sat on the couch, about to order dinner. since we had only just got back, the fridge seemed to appear robbed of all food and we decided on pizza hut.

 

brendon’s pov

now that i'm out of the house, on my way to pick up our takeout, i can call spencer and have a word with him and dallon won’t be able to defend him or stop me.

“brendon? we literally just got off the tour bus together, today? what possibly could you want now?” he joked at me. now is not the time. 

“dude, you fucked up." i tell him, "i can’t believe you knew that dallon was taking pills and suffering and you didn’t tell a single one of us. not even zack! shit could have happened. did you know he was going to kill himself? i went to wake him up two days ago and i found a suicide note and it was addressed to me and he said absolutely everything and in the letter he was talking as if he was dead already and-“

“i’m sorry! god damn it, i’m sorry! i was scared! he told me that he would kill himself if anybody found out and i couldn’t risk that. it would be like throwing him under a bus. i thought he would be okay eventually because he said he’d only just started taking them a few days before and that they hadn’t kicked in yet and i figured that’s why he’d been saying shit like he would kill himself, i went through the same thing!”

i take a deep breath and decide to calm down about the whole matter. it's all happened now and neither of us can change that.

“okay. i’m sorry spencer, i get it, you know, neither of us can change any of it anyway. what's done is done. it just sucks, all of it, that's all. i'm sorry.”

“no, i’m sorry too. i think we’re just going to have to put this shit behind us and make sure dallon gets better. what are we going to do?”

“well, we spoke to zack and he advised that dallon stayed with me and i looked after his meds. i’m hoping that maybe him having company and being in a new place might help him see things in, maybe, a different light. if not, we’re going to have to take him back to see his doctor and ask for some other solution - of which, i'm unsure, but we'll work it out."

“okay, that’s good. we’ll see how it goes. if you need me, just text me and i’ll come round and try and be as supportive as i can.”

“thank you spencer. i love you man”

“oh you are an affectionate kiddo. love ya too, bren.” he chuckled.

when the line cuts off, go in to pick up our pizza and head back home to dallon. 

-

hours later and we’re still on the sofa together and i can’t help but just go ahead and kiss that god damn face. it's soon starting to turn into something slightly more passionate and we end up rubbing on each other as we continue to eat away at each other’s faces. dallon is totally hard and i am too. i take him into the bedroom where we have a good hour of sex and end up laying beside each other, his hand in my hair, my hand resting on his chest, both exhausted and out of breath. it’s not long before i can feel myself drifting off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! I decided to use first person as the type of perspective in this chapter. let me know your thoughts on whether you prefer it in first or third person in the comments and I shall continue to use the most popular choice as i'm not sure you lovely people reading would appreciate me changing up the perspective all the time. or maybe you would like that... aghh god damn it! i'll just wait and see in the comments. that's enough of me wasting your time for now. adiosss!
> 
> -nicole x


	3. Chapter 3

it was six am and brendon had just woke up. his first thought was to turn and look at his beautiful boyfriend in admiration. to his surprise, however, he wasn’t there, unlike he usually was for the past month they had spent together. he got straight out of his bed to go and look for him.

he noticed the kitchen door slightly open and as he walked in, he found a panicked dallon, gripping onto the breakfast counter while fighting to breathe at a normal pace and failing miserably. as he looked up to see brendon walking over to him with caution, his basically gave up even trying and lost all resilience. 

 

brendon slightly hurried over to him, without wanting to cause more panic, and rubbed his back. he calmly told him “take a really slow deep breath and try and hold it in for as long as you can, you’ll be okay, i’m right here”.

dallon felt himself being brought back into the world at the feeling of somebody else touching him and the sound of another person’s voice. he took a huge deep breath in, held it in for 6 seconds and let it escape him. after this, his breathing slowed itself down and his vision started clearing itself.

“are you okay now?” brendon asked in concern.

“yes, i’m able to talk now, thank you so much for helping, my god it's so awful, you wouldn't know”

“it's okay, i'm here for you. that's what lovers are for; each other. deep, i know." he laughs. "what triggered this panic attack?”

“absolutely nothing. sometimes i just get this overwhelming rush come over me and i have absolutely no control over it. i can’t even tell when it’s coming on; it makes me full on panic straight away. if it gets too bad, i’ve been told by the doctor to take a pill, but i’ve only ever done that one time because pills definitely don't make you feel good and i didn’t want anyone on tour questioning how i’d gone from completely fine ten minutes ago, to a walking fog that passed out on their bed whilst everyone’s up and having a good time.” once dallon let all of that out, it felt like maybe this time he might have been able to explain it and it make some sort of sense, even if it was only to himself. nobody ever understands this part of him, and like to dismiss this issue, thinking that he was actually panicking over something but wanted to keep it to himself. brendon knew that dallon wouldn’t keep something simple like the trigger of a panic attack to himself, so it wasn’t an issue of persuading him to believe him.

“dallon, that sounds really awful. i want to be able to help you, but it sounds like it kind of can’t be prevented from happening in the first place.” brendon paused with his face screwed, one eyebrow higher than the other and his big eyes looking up into his big forehead, searching for some sort of solution or way that he could help, meanwhile dallon fiddled with his hands anxiously, head down, but eyes looking up at brendon. a small smile crept up on his face when he noticed how adorable and desperate brendon’s face was.

brendon’s face softened “what on earth are you smiling at, mr weekes?” he chuckled.

“why, that would be your cute little face, mr urie” dallon replied, unable to hold back a silly giggle that would not usually be withdrawn from him. brendon shot him a dirty look at him for describing him as ‘cute’, licked his lips in anger and gave him a long and hard kiss with tongue and lip biting. “mkay, b, you’re fucking sexy too, no need to show off” he moaned after brendon pulled away with dallon’s lips still between his teeth. 

“oh, i need to show off, you know that” he teased, tracing his tongue over dallon’s top lip, which he knew would make dallon co-operate and kiss right back.

“what were we even talking about before we just had that intense make out session?” dallon laughed.

“hmm. well you called me fucking CUTE, when i will have you know that i am SEXY and HOT.”

“you definitely are that too, babe”

“thank you dall. we were talking about how i could help you when you get those sudden panic attacks with no triggers. i think to start off, you need to actually tell me when you’re having one of them.”

“okay, brendon, i will. i just didn’t want to scare you.”

“well you didn’t exactly avoid that by leaving me to wake up with a body missing from my side, did you?”

“fair enough. i’m sorry. i think when i’m having these panic attacks i need something to just make me feel more connected to everything because sometimes it feels like i’m not real and like the nobody’s real and i don't know... just a bit disconnected and existential-crisis-like in some ways.”

“okay, dall, i’ll try and find out some way i can help you on that before it happens again.”

brendon had spent hours on articles on how to help people having panic attacks and suicidal thoughts, whenever he had the opportunity. he mainly searched this while dallon was in the studio just entertaining himself with his bass guitar, writing out some bass lines for the heck of it. now that he had been told about dallon feeling a loss of connection to reality, that felt quite relieving to him because it meant that another door had been opened to let him help even more and have more of an insight as to what’s going on in dallon’s mind. truthfully, brendon was probably a little too obsessive over this, but it made him feel more at ease and control and if it meant he was helping himself and dallon at the same time to feel better then it wasn’t of any harm at all.

“oh hey dall?”

“yeah?”

“can i hear some of the bass lines you’ve been getting down? i’ve got a few random phrases wrote down as lyrics but i really need some inspiration for the music.”

“okay bren. i think we should get dressed first though, don’t you?”

“ugh, fine. you know, i was comfortable just in my boxers, but i guess i’ll have to put a shirt and pants on.” brendon whined with a smirk.

“oh what a shame,” dallon began, “what a shame the poor dallon’s boyfriend is a naked WHORE” he teased and screamed as he ran away as fast as he could into their bedroom, brendon running after him. 

when they both got into the same room, brendon smacked his ass and said “that’s what you get when you quote fever lyrics you bastard”.

“ooh, go on brendon smack me again” brendon did exactly that and dallon let out a half shout and half moan.

“oh do you LIKE that you little shit!?”

dallon turned round and whispered in brendon’s ear “yes, i do. now get in the shower with me”.

-

once they both got out of the shower together, they smiled a knowing grin, on how filthy they are. they got dressed and headed to the studio they were renting due to brendon only living in an appartment. that was the only downside to where they were living – they didn’t live in a house, so they couldn’t just pop out into the studio in the garden that they didn’t have.

once they got there, they got straight into it and 8 hours had passed of dallon playing the bass lines and playing the same lines again but with brendon joining in with another instrument such as the guitar or his vocals. eventually, they called in spencer to add some drums too, once they’d figured which bass lines they were going to keep and it ended up being quite a successful session. they knew it was time to put an end to it all when spencer had broken all of his drumsticks and brendon’s stomach was rumbling, screaming “FEED ME”.

“hey, spence, do you want to come back to our place and i can make us all dinner? brendon got groceries in last night didn’t you bren?” dallon asked.

“yeah! spence that’d be cool, come round ours!”

“okieee” he replied. he couldn’t say no to the offer after all those hours of heavy drumming and his stomach eating away at itself.

“righty ho, i’ll be making a stir fry then for you lucky lads” dallon said, making them fall into a fit of laughter at the choice of words. they really did appreciate how funny dallon could be and dallon appreciated them laughing at him, in all honesty.

they all sat down to eat on the couch, deciding the table would be far too uncomfortable after today, and started eating.

“impressive” spencer smiled at dallon and nodded.

“he’s not only impressive in the kitchen, he’s also impressive in the- OH WAIT! spence! we didn’t tell you, dallon and i are dating!”

“okay first ew brendon, too far and second of all, congrats guys! i knew you’d tell me some day.”

“haha thank you, spence” dallon laughed and took a sip of his beer.

“shut up mr know it all. and thank you."


	4. Chapter 4

after having one too many beers, they collectively decided that it would be best for spencer to stay on the couch and then they could go to the studio together to finish the song they were working on the next day. dallon was the first to wake up and it was quite early, so he didn’t want to wake up brendon. when he walked past spencer, he turned around to look at him and it turned out the he was already awake.  
“spence, why are you up so early?”  
“touché” he replied just about managing a smile.  
dallon gave back the same weak smile and just before he was about to turn back in the direction of the kitchen and make himself a coffee, spencer quickly said “hey, dall?”  
“yes?”  
“are... are you okay?”  
“that’s questionable, honestly, but right now in this moment, i’m alright. i’ll be okay spence.” dallon answered with unwanted uncertainty sneaking out in his tone.  
“you know... i’m sorry i didn’t tell anybody and get you proper help. i really should have done, before it got to this point.” spencer bit his nails as his head rushed with nerves and guilt.  
“no spencer, i was in such a bad place that i really do think i would have killed myself if anybody else found out, as horrible as it is. i must have scared the shit out of you and you don’t deserve that, i’m sorry.”  
“it’s okay. it was difficult for both of us, but now brendon’s got you and i know you’re safe with him. i’ll always be here for you as well and i think you’ve gathered that you can trust that i will not tell anyone about anything that you say. sometimes you do just need one person that you can tell anything to because if you keep shit in your head because you’re worried about people’s reactions, that’s when it all just bubbles up and get so much worse. so please, please just talk to me okay?”  
“okay. i really appreciate it, thank you so much. you’ve been a fucking saint in all of this, i swear.”  
“you’re welcome” spencer pulled dallon in for a hug and whilst they were in each others arms, brendon came out from his bedroom and immediately fell into a fit of laughter.  
“what the fuck have i walked into? dallon you better not be cheating on me!” he choked.  
“hey brendon, stop being an ass, just cause you’re jealous of our bromance” spencer teased.  
“oh yes totally jealous. nope just making sure dallon’s dick stays clean from your dirty asshole so it’s clean for mine”  
dallon shook his head and laughed whilst they all walked into the kitchen to get coffee and toast. brendon subtly handed over three pills to him: one mood stabilizer, one anxiety pill and one antidepressant. he only took the anxiety pill and forced the other two back into brendon’s hand.  
“i don’t need the other two.”  
“the doctor says you need to take them.”  
“the doctor isn’t me, therefore the doctor does not know how i am feeling.”  
brendon handed back just the mood stabilizer and said “just in case.”  
dallon sighed and swallowed the two pills together at the same time and glanced over to spencer who looked extremely uncomfortable and as if he was trying to remove himself from the whole situation.  
after they all finished their breakfast brendon got spencer a towel, a spare change of clothes and let him take a shower in their bathroom. when he finished, dallon got in the shower afterwards and according to brendon, he was “taking too long” and he “couldn’t wait any longer to get in the shower”, these were the excuses he used when he let himself in with dallon, interrupting mid-shower. he started to notice dallon getting harder by the minute and decided to wrap his hand around his cock and stroke up and down until he came. he knew that he couldn't make any noise because spencer would hear so he just let his breathing get extremely heavy instead.  
brendon placed a rough kiss on his neck and they both got out and got changed.

the rest of the day in the studio went similar to the day before and so did the whole next week, just progressing more and more with the material.


	5. Chapter 5

a whole week had passed and dallon hadn’t been experiencing any panic attacks, until sunday when him and brendon had sat down to eat lunch at the table.   
he lifted his head up from his plate and looked up to brendon who was about to pick up his sandwich.  
brendon paused just as he noticed the boy with a distressed look on his face “everything ok, dall?” he asked.  
he took a quick moment to reply and suddenly started gushing out exactly the terrorizing thoughts that were taking over his mind “no, i don’t feel real, oh my god, brendon, i feel so weird” dallon replied and started shaking, breathing faster and faster.  
“hey,hey,hey, it’s ok” brendon began, getting out of his seat and walking over to him.  
“no, it’s not brendon, please help, oh my god”  
brendon pushed down on his shoulders to stop him from feeling like he was floating away and to remind him that his feet were on the ground, which made him part of this world.  
“deep breaths, dallon, come on babe”  
“i-i-i-can’t”  
“you can do this, i promise”  
“i think i um... c-can i have... meds please”  
“shit ok yeah of course”  
brendon fumbled about in the cupboards and came back to dallon with one xanax and glass of water. dallon looked at it in fear, knowing he was going to be knocked out after taking it; he then realised that he would rather this awful feeling be over with and took the pill.  
when the effects started to take place, dallon asked “bren, can i go and lay down on our bed?”  
“yeah, do you need anything else?” brendon asked him, stroking his hair.  
“please lay with me?”  
“okay baby”  
brendon made sure dallon had laid down safely and tucked him in before getting in the bed himself. he wrapped his arms around him and held him tight whispering “you mean the world to me, i’ll make sure you’re okay”.  
after a few minutes dallon was softly snoring and brendon laughed to himself as quietly as he could.   
brendon’s pov  
seeing dallon so peaceful is really nice to see. it gives me a sense of relief when he isn’t anxious or panicking because i know that he’s going to be okay. all i want is for him to not be suffering and i will do whatever i can to help him with that.  
i’m not doing all of this for him because i’m a super nice person because i’m really not that type of dude. the thing is, dallon is a tall, comedic and hot peice of ass that really does care a lot about your feelings, sometimes even too much, and i’ve fallen in love with him.  
now that we’ve been living together in my little apartment for 4 months, i’ve decided that i really do want to find a real home to share. dallon’s going to be knocked out for another few hours so i think i’ll have a look online at some houses.  
before i knew it, four whole hours had passed before my eyes and dallon was just about stirring awake, shuffling about whilst lying down. i decided it would be best to leave him be until he’s fully awake, as i don’t know whether it’s a good idea to disrupt him whilst under a drug-induced sleep.  
“hey bren.” dallon said, smiling with tired eyes, as if he was still half asleep.  
“hey, you ok?” brendon replied a little worriedly.  
“yes, i mean the drugs are making me feel shit, but i’m ok. please don’t worry about me so much, you’re becoming borderline annoying.”  
“look, dallon! i care about you a lot and you’re going to have to put up with that.” brendon said with a mixture of anger and understanding, but still quiet so he didn’t make dallon feel startled.  
“i know, oh my god i’m sorry that was so rude, i didn’t mean it to be rude, shit i’m sorry”  
“it’s ok, dall, you’re only half-here right now and you’re all fogged up, i get it. we’ll get through it. do you need anything to help you feel more like your here?” brendon was so understanding, yet so optimistic, he was so perfect for dallon.  
“i’ll get up and get a cold water; i need to get out of bed.”   
brendon helped him out of their bed and followed dallon into the kitchen. when he got to the sink, brendon walked over to him and stood slightly on his tiptoes to give dallon a shoulder massage. as you can imagine, dallon felt so much stress melting away whilst he also felt himself being brought more a sense of reality.  
“you’re so little” he laughed “thank you baby”.  
“you’re welcome big man” he teased back.  
“don’t make me call you cute again”  
“don’t make me fuck the shit out of you again to prove you wrong”  
“CUTE”  
“that’s it, shit head, get the fuck over here now”  
dallon slid over to brendon and grabbed his ass whilst they made out.  
"i think it's my turn to fuck the shit out of you" dallon told brendon.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this whole chapter is in dallon's point of view just to let ya know!

today in the studio, it’s going absolutely fucking terrible. it has gotten to a point where i’m fantasizing over ripping my hair out, right from the very roots, feeling the strands slide out of my scalp and into my clenched fists. the guys have been giving each other looks, having wordless conversations with just their eyes, sharing their worries about me. just as they give each other what seems to be the millionth concerned look, i put my hands to my face and groan in frustration. before they can even think of what to say or do, i slip right out of the door and let myself outside.  
“do you want to talk?” the voice comes only moments later, from the bloody boy brendon who just had to follow me, didn’t he.  
“no i really don’t b, can i have a minute?”  
“ok, call me if you need me”  
thank god he didn’t push it. how the fuck am i going to get through this, though? it’s not like it’s a panic attack where i can just take deep breaths and have my boyfriend reassure me back into reality; i’m fucking angry. there’s only one god damn man that can empathise with me and this situation right now and that is zack, he gets angry as shit but he somehow manages to control it. that’s it, i’m calling zack.  
after only four rings, i’m rather lucky as zack picks up right away.  
“dall?”  
“zack oh my god fucking help”  
“woah, dallon, what’s going on?  
“it’s ok we aren’t being mobbed by crazy fans and i’m not bleeding to death. i’m just really fucking angry right now and i’m so angry that i’m scared. how the heck do you control it?”  
“one thing you better not be fucking doing right now is sitting still. that ain’t gonna help.”  
“umm.. shit???”  
“go on a walk”  
“i can’t brendon will go full on freak out mode and report me as a missing fucking child”  
“i will text him then, you stay on the phone with me whilst i do that and you walk, okay?”  
“okay” is all i manage to sigh out as i get up and start walking. i have no clue where i’m walking to and to be honest i don’t give a shit where i end up. i don’t give a shit about anything at all in this world.  
“are you still there, dall?” zack interrupted me in my thoughts, quite gladly so.  
“yea, i’m sorry zack”  
“don’t be dumb, now why are you so mad?”  
“oh you know, just sucking at music and fucking up the recording shit that’s all”  
“why d’you say that then?”  
“because everything i touch is turning to shit and its like my fingers just miraculously forgot everything they knew about the bass guitar. i probably have ruined this whole record for them in just one day and i wouldn’t be surprised if they kicked me out of the band”  
“and do you have proof of that?”  
“what do you mean proof?”  
“is there any real evidence that is true”  
“well, not exactly proof, but i just know that i’m playing bad”  
“have you not suggested it to yourself that maybe it’s all in your fucking head?”  
“what... that i’m playing bad...?”  
“yes. you and i both know you’ve got anxiety and what does that mother fucker do to ya?”  
“it makes you worry like shit and second guess yourself. you’re right.”  
“well duh i’m right. now, are you okay dallon? you don’t feel like doing some stupid shit?”  
“no, i don’t, i’m going to walk back to the studio, i’m only five minutes away. did brendon reply to you?”  
“yes he did, don’t worry, he’s not going to be pinning up flyers for a missing kiddo just yet”  
“phew, thank you so much zack. i really appreciate it.”  
“you know you’re welcome dallon. call me again if you need me.”  
“ok, see you soon”  
“see ya”  
after that talk with zack and small walk, i feel a bit better. i still don’t feel too great, but i think i just need to be honest with brendon and spencer and tell them that this is how i’m feeling because i can’t just keep it to myself when this is our record, we’re talking.  
when i get back inside the studio, the two of them are sat on the sofa. they glance up at me, unsure of whether to say something and i take this as a cue to explain all of the shit going on in my mind today and once i finish they nod their heads to show their understanding.  
“you know, it’s okay dallon. i have days like that, spencer has days like that, ryan and jon have had days like that, brent has... um... brent didn’t really do shit so... never mind... but the point is, all the people in this band who really do give a shit about it are going to have days like that, but it’s not all the time.” brendon said while i sat myself down in the chair facing opposite the sofa they were in.  
“yeah and to be honest, it just proves that you actually care about this record, that you aren’t a sloppy musician and that you are hard working. plus, you’ve got to give yourself some credit: you’re doing all of this on top of battling really severe anxiety.” spencer added.  
“yeah, you are right guys. thanks for the reassurance. i just hope tomorrow won’t be as shit.”  
“it won’t be” brendon gave me promising eyes.  
“you know, i think we’ve been here long enough, why don’t we call it a day?”  
“i constantly thank god for spencer smith” i reply laughing.  
“STOP. QUOTING. FEVER. LYRICS.” brendon paused and smacked me after every word like a toddler.  
“oops sorry beebo”  
“get the fuck out of here”  
“i gladly will, sir.” i say as i grab my keys, coat and phone and lock the door on our way out.  
we get to our cars and spencer waves goodbye to us. i let myself into the passenger’s seat and brendon follows on shortly after, sitting behind the wheel. he handed over to me a wristband and told me i could snap it on my wrist because he’d rather me get snappy with a wristband than snappy with him. he really does know how to find the light in what is usually seen as a dark topic, that being mental health.  
once we got home i felt like for the whole night, brendon was sat on edge waiting for me to just give in and ask for my meds, but that really is that last thing i wanted. i wanted to feel as in control of myself and alive as possible. i didn’t ask for my meds and brendon didn’t ask me if i wanted them either. the topic remained unspoken and untouched and i managed to get myself to sleep only two hours after brendon did.


	7. Chapter 7

_dallon’s pov_

_this morning, i am awoken by a beautiful brown eyed boy, combing his hand through my hair and humming the melody to what sounds to me like one of the songs we’re working on right now called far too young to die. he is so damn worried about me._

_when i’m fully awake, i shuffle myself up to rest against the headboard of the bed. brendon has the look on his face as though he has some sort of bad news or something. it’s so obvious when he’s feeling any kind of negative emotion because everyone is so used to him being hyperactive and beaming with a smile._

_“brendon, what is it?” i slowly ask, questioning to myself whether i really want to know._

_“last night... you um... you were talking in your sleep” his voice cracked on ‘sleep’ and that’s when he managed to make me feel just as broken as he did. i don’t know what the fuck i said in my sleep but if brendon is upset, the fucking universe shall be upset._

_“you said... y-you said things about killing yourself and it was so scary dallon, the way you were talking about it was just so violent and you were saying it with so much passion and it scared the living shit out of me. fuck, man, i love you” he finished what he was saying and a single tear rolled down his cheek. he pulled me in so tight for a hug, i thought i might have suffocated._

_“what things did i say brendon, i swear down, i do not remember saying anything last night and that is the god’s honest truth”_

_“ok, just be warned it’s really graphic, and i’m only telling you because i need to let this out or it’s going to eat me away. you started off making noises of pain, that sounded like what you would be making if you were cutting. after that you were shouting ‘more blood, more blood, get the vein that’s it slice it now i can finally leave’. please, please tell me you have no intention of killing yourself. you really need to be honest with me here, so i can trust you and so i can help you.”_

_“i am so sorry you had to go through that, if i could do anything for you to not have to go through that and make up for it, i would. i said from the beginning that i would not and will not lie to you, and that was the main promise i made myself when we began this relationship, because you simply can not love someone if you don’t have their trust. i have had thoughts... suicidal thoughts, but i don’t think i’m going to act on them.”_

_“thank you so much for telling me dallon, i appreciate that. but, we’re going to have to sort this out. i could tell you a million times that i need you here, i need you to stay alive, that i love you, that you’re the reason i’m here, but i just don’t think it’s going to help. can we please go to see your doctor?”_

_“okay, if i’m honest with you, i really don’t want to because i don’t think there’s much they can even do with a hopeless case like me, but i’ll do it for you.”_

_“thank you dall, you’re not a hopeless case. we’re going to have a good day today in the studio because we got all of the shit parts out of the way with yesterday. i can bring your meds if you want, just in case and if you don’t want to take them then you can just tell us how you’re feeling, you know. or you can just tell us you’re going out for fresh air. anything you want, we’ll do for you.”_

_“bren, you are so sweet. i think maybe i should just take one extra mood stabiliser today and the same anxiety pills.”_

_“okay, speaking of, i think we need to get dressed and go downstairs to get some breakfast and you can take your pills.”_

_i nodded and we both got out of bed. within next to no time i was dressed, fed, drugged up and on the way to the studio. when we got there, we set everything up and started warming ourselves up._

_“hey guys” spencer greeted us as he walked through the door._

_“hey spence, better get ready, we’re recording your drums for the demo today.” brendon told him, smiling, unable to control his excitement, how cute._

_“ooh, fun! i’m going to warm up now, then.” spencer replied, almost as excited as brendon._

_once we recorded spencer’s drums, it was my turn. we weren’t exactly planning on recording my part today, but spencer did so well and got his part done quick enough for us to have plenty of time to do another instrument. it took about three tapes to get the bass exactly how we all wanted it and we took it slow, which i’m appreciative for._

_the mood stabilisers i took earlier have helped massively and i’ve behaved a lot less like a snappy bitch today, compared to yesterday. the world i’m seeing does seem a lot foggier however, and i feel quite detatched. medication will not be able to fix this, and infact, the meds that we’ve brought highten this feeling and minimise all other feelings. i’ve done well to distract myself every time my mind wanders back to this topic, but i don’t want to distract from this and act like it’s not there anymore else it’s going to bite me back in the ass later on and i’ll end up having an extreme panic attack._

_“bren? spence? um, i... um... never mind” god damn it why did i even try and say something. i don’t know what to say, i’m too scared to say something and even if i do say something, they aren’t going to know what to do to help. i’ll just end up spoiling what we all thought was a great day. it’s too fucking late now though, i’ve said something and they are not going to just brush it off._

_“what’s wrong?” spencer asked me, knowing straight away, able to read my expressions like a book._

_“well there’s nothing you guys can do about this, but, i feel really weird, like i’m here but i’m not. usually when i feel like this it’s accompanied with anxiety or panic but it isn’t. but yeah... you can’t really do anything so i don’t even know” i began to trail off._

_“do you want your meds?” brendon asked me._

_“no, they’ll make me feel just like this but even worse.” i replied, defeated._

_“how about you go outside for a bit?” spencer suggested. i doubt it will do too much, but with that mindset, it definitely won’t._

_“okay, i’ll be back in a bit guys.” i told them as i let myself out and they nodded._

“speaking of, how has dallon been doing lately. do you think he’s been doing better?” spencer asked when dallon left.

“well... i don’t know if i’m supposed to keep this from you, but, we’re all so close and i feel like i almost _have_ to tell you. last night, he was saying things in his sleep, i’m not going into detail on what he said because i don’t think i can without losing the plot. he was saying, or should i say shouting, things as if he was committing suicide, in great, great detail. when he woke up in the morning i asked him if he had been thinking about... you know... doing that and he said he had.”

“oh my god that’s awful! are _you_ okay bren?”

“i will be once we go and talk to dallon’s doctor, which we’re doing after we’re done today in the studio. i didn’t get much sleep last night.”

dallon came back in after they’d finished their conversation and he seemed to be okay. they just smiled at him as they didn’t want to push it. an hour later, they packed away and left the studio. now, for the doctor’s...


	8. Chapter 8

in the doctor's office, brendon sat beside dallon and placed his hand on his knee in attempt to rid at least a little bit of the giant wall of anxiety he was building.

"hello, mr weekes. i haven't seen you in a while. what brings you to this appointment today?" the doctor asked, clearly knowing the appointment was about his mental health, as that's what brendon had spoken to him about over the phone when booking this appointment.

"well... you know, i've been just in a bad place mentally and it's caused me to have some thoughts that are concerning to others and i guess now i'm back here."

"okay mr weekes. can you please explain to me what "thoughts" these are that you have just referred to?"

"suicidal." dallon blurted out, thanks to his stupid anxiety.

"and why do you think you've been having suicidal thoughts?"

"i don't know. i mean yes i do have severe anxiety, but i don't have depression, so i don't actually know why i will just end up think about how i can just resort to killing myself. maybe it's because i don't want to deal with the anxiety but it's not like it's a constant feeling that i don't want to be here, it's more of a spur of the moment, extreme feeling."

"thank you for explaining that to me, dallon, that will help in figuring this all out. now, let me just take a look on my computer what pills we have prescribed for you."

the doctor tapped away at his computer, meanwhile brendon turned his head slightly to look at dallon and dallon was so tense that he felt he couldn't return the look and remained as still as he possibly could. brendon understood how he was feeling and wasn't angered at him, so he decided just to turn his head back.

"so, about a year ago i prescribed you to mood stabilisers, benzodiazepines (anxiety) and SSRIs (antidepressants). you told me you were experiencing low mood and random spikes of panic. i'm going to change up your prescription as you have told me that you have been experiencing suicidal thoughts. i don't know if you're aware of this, but certain medication can cause suicidal thoughts as a side effect. therefore, i'm going to take the antidepressants off and suggest you take a higher dose of mood stabilisers. do either of the two of you have any questions?"

they shook their heads and the doctor told them "great. please contact me if there are any issues with the new medication plan. stay safe dallon."

as they walked out of the office with a receipt to collect the new prescription, they wrapped their hands tightly in each other's and walked in silence to the pharmacy next door.

once they collected his pills, they got into the car and brendon let out a tiny sigh.

"you got this, ok?" brendon told him and looked into his eyes "you got this and you are staying here with me."

"ok, brendon. only for you. only because i love you and i don't want to miss a second of your life." dallon replied.

"that's it dall, you're a fucking fighter."


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smut warning hehe. if you don't like smut just don't read this chapter because there's nothing game-changing to the story in this chapter. i kind of just felt like they needed to have some happy times because you might get bored of the constant mental issues.

dallon and brendon got home from the doctors and crashed on the sofa straight away. dallon even managed to start drifting off to sleep.

"hey dall, don't go to sleep yet, you won't be able to sleep tonight." brendon told him and stroked his arm.

he turned his head slowly and said "okay, baby, but we can't stay here else i'm going to fall asleep. shall i make dinner?"

"sure, what ya making?" his eyes lit up.

"mozzarella pasta bake" dallon winked as he got up and headed for the kitchen.

"cool" brendon smiled enthusiastically.

dallon got all of the ingredients out, chopped them up, prepared them and began to boil the pasta, when brendon snuck up behind him and wrapped his arms around dallon's waist and pressed himself up against him. dallon could feel that he was hard and as soon as he realised this, brendon slid his hand down from dallon's hip and into his pants and stroked his dick, making dallon hard too.

"give me five minutes baby, ill be done" dallon told him.

sticking to his word, five minutes later, dallon came into the living room and carried brendon into their bedroom. with the cheekiest grin, he declared "i feel like a prince".

dallon replied with "oh trust me baby, you're a fucking prince now pull your pants down and spread your beautiful legs."

brendon did as commanded and dallon came straight in with his fingers, covered in lube. 

"babe just hurry up and get your dick inside me, fuck your fingers, i want you in me now." brendon cried.

"fuck yeah, baby, sooner the better." dallon replied as he rolled on his condom. he edged his dick on the rim of brendon's hole and circled it.

"NO FUCKING TEASING DALLON YOU BITCH" brendon shouted.

dallon took that as an opportunity to push his dick slowly into brendon and brendon brought his head up and moaned.

"oh yeah bren, you moan, you keep moaning, come on" dallon said while picking up a pace.

"ah ah ah ah dall can i come"

"wait, let me do something"

dallon kept his pace by using his hips and took his hands off of brendon and placed them in his hair. he pulled lightly and brendon shouted "more, more". dallon pulled even harder and whispered in his ear "now you can come". brendon came and dallon pulled out to let himself come at the sight of brendon in such pleasure.

they gave each other a messy exchange of lips and tongue and got back into their clothes. as soon as they'd finished and collected themselves, the timer of the oven went off and dallon returned to the kitchen.

they sat down with their food and dallon looked at brendon with a grin.

"what the fuck are you smiling at" brendon said.

"you like hair-pulling, hey?"

"yes, i do, i have many kinks that are just waiting for you to discover them." brendon smiled a dead serious smile.

"ooh i see, you're a kinky bitch! right, i'll remember not to be shy then."

"good."


	10. Chapter 10

when dallon woke up, he got up and checked his phone to see what time it was. the time read 3:45am and dallon immediately wanted to bang his head against the wall.

dallon's pov

FOR FUCK'S SAKE. i have a question i would like to adress to myself, here it goes: why can't you sleep a full night? you stupid twat!

what if don't fall back asleep? damn i'll be tired tomorrow. tiredness leads to unproductiveness. nobody needs an annoying, mentally unstable, unproductive asshole in the process of creation. guess who's not getting back to sleep tonight! no, that's really bad. this isn't even a joke. 

okay, now i'm struggling to breathe, this isn't fun. i need to do a breathing exercise before this changes from an anxiety attack to a panic attack. so... in for six.... oh my god no, nope, not possible. great, now i seriously am starting to hyperventilate. i can't do this. what the fuck. i can't do something as simple as breathing!

it's so damn hot in here, i'm a sweaty mess and i'm struggling to breathe. i don't even know what to do with myself. i need to stop complaining, i've had way worse panic attacks than this. this is almost insulting to those other poor people out there who suffer with real panic attacks. everyone gets a bit worried about not being able to sleep, let's be honest.

actually, what the fuck am i talking about? i don't have control right now of my body, think about it! i can't control my breathing, i can't control my body temperature, i can't control my hands from shaking, i can't control my head from making me dizzy and i can't control my eyes from going blurry. i'm not in control right now!

"brendon!!!" i scream.

nobody's point of view

brendon blurted right up out of their bed and rushed over to dallon who was sat shivering, breathing loud and fast in the corner of the bedroom. "woah woah woah, what the fuck is going on, babe tell me what's wrong!?".

"IM COMPLETELY NOT IN CONTROL RIGHT NOW BRENDON! WHAT THE FUCK. OH MY GOD. FUCKING GET ME OUT OF MY BODY PLEASE" he shouted.

"dallon, look at me, you're kind of scaring me. you really need to calm down" brendon said wearily, really worried himself.

"brendon i can't i can't i can't god damn it i fucking can't"

"you can, you're getting yourself way too worked up over this okay. remember this is a panic attack you're having. you've gotten through them so many times before and there is absolutely nothing stopping you from getting through this one. i'm here, okay, what do you need?"

"i don't even know what i need brendon, what the fuck do i do? i feel like i'm falling from the sky this is absolutely insane" dallon broke out into a sob that accompanied his hyperventilating.

"okay, let me take care of you. i'm going to guide you into the living room and i'll sit you on the sofa" he told him as he picked dallon up off the floor and onto his feet. he sat him down and asked "i'm going to get you a nice cold glass of water, do you want to take anything?"

"xa-x-x-xanax" he stuttered through each breath.

brendon left the living room and came back as quickly as he could with a glass of water filled with ice and two pills.

dallon looked them with surprise at there being two after last time they agreed on only giving him one but dismissed the thought as he was feeling too impatient to let this dreadful panic attack end.

he swallowed the pills without water and before he picked up the glass brendon spoke "wait, you can use this water to try and help you. when you take each sip, try and think about what the water feels like on your tongue, and on your cheeks, and down your throat. okay?"

"ok" dallon nodded and he slowly sipped the water, noticing every little sensation. this gave him something to focus on while the pills took their time to start effecting. dallon felt himself being dragged into a sleepy and foggy state. the pills made him so tired that he physically didn't have the energy to breathe so fast and shake so hard.

as soon as he started feeling this way, brendon decided it was a good time to guide him back to bed and lay him down. once dallon's head met his pillow, his brain switched off and he fell back to sleep.

brendon let out a sight of relief, and brought himself back into their bed. before he hit the hay himself, he picked up his phone and composed a message to spencer.

b:dallon just had a fucking huge panic attack. i had to give him 2 xanax pills. might have to be a little later at the studio tomorrow, is 10am ok?  
s: shit. i hope you are both ok. that's ok with me. do you need to talk?  
b: thank you spence. dallon is long gone now. don't know if i'll be sleeping any time soon. why are you awake?  
s: i've got your's, dallon's and zack's notifications on even when it's on silent/do not disturb. b, it's going to be okay, dallon's alright now. you said, he's fast asleep.  
b: okay, you're right. it's just seeing him in that state made me uneasy. i just need a little time to settle back down.  
s: yeah, it sounds like it would. you should probably try and take some deep breaths that'll send you back to sleep.  
b: i will. thank you spencer.  
s: it's okay, do you know why dallon had a panic attack?  
b: no, i didn't even manage to ask him, he was freaking out so bad. but i don't think it was a random one, i think he thought himself into one because they aren't always like that. they can be really bad, but the way he was talking about how he thought he wasn't in control sounded like he'd really thought about that.  
s: did you see the doctor in the end?  
b: yeah, he changed up his medication a bit more to suit him.  
s: that it?  
b: yeah, there wasn't much else he could do. dallon doesn't want to see a therapist and i don't blame him because i've been to one before and they're full of fucking bullshit.  
s: fair enough.  
b: i'm going to get some sleep now, thank you so much for being here spence.  
s: it's okay brendon, good night.


	11. Chapter 11

“morning, babe” brendon said as he handed over a coffee to dallon, who was just waking up.  
“thank you oh my god i needed this! are you psychic?”  
“nope, just have a brain.”  
“fair enough”  
dallon took a huge gulp of the lukewarm beverage and turned to look at brendon who was yet again sat trying to think of the right thing to say. this situation felt all too familiar and just wasn’t pleasant.  
“brendon just say what you want to say this is just ridiculous” dallon let out in frustration.  
“but i just don’t know dallon! i don’t know what to say, okay, and that’s the worst part about this situation!” he snapped, angry, but at himself.  
“look, i’m sorry. i shouldn’t have even woken you, okay. don’t even worry about it, it doesn’t matter.”  
“no, dallon, it’s not that. you know i’ll always be here for you and that i want you to ask me to help you. it’s just... this is getting out of hand and i don’t even know what to do. you can’t just keep living your life like this, it can’t be nice. i do feel like we’re running out of options and all i want to do is help you and stop this because behind it all is a really down to earth, and funny musician and in front of it is a handsome tall man that i could totally fuck all the time. it’s just the shit in between it all, we gotta get rid of it and i just don’t know how. i’m kind of scared.”  
brendon’s words pooled out of him like a sea of truth. dallon felt the sting of the salt water, as we’ve all heard a million times, the truth hurts. he got it though, because he can relate and knows exactly where he was coming from. the cold water was a shock to him, the wave of his words crashed against his bare legs and had him taken aback. he got used to it though, because brendon carried on speaking and the words gradually felt warmer to his skin.  
despite the beautiful aesthetic metaphor, dallon’s brain just lost all rationality. he stood up, got out of bed and said “well i’ll be fucked”. he walked over to the window and brendon saw the direction he was walking in and grabbed him.  
“not today, you fucker. you are not leaving me.” he said, locking the windows. he went to every window in the apartment and followed the ritual until there was no way dallon could jump. they were both so tired of this constant battle with the demons in dallon’s head that they didn’t even bother had a soppy, deep philosophical ass discussion, they just wanted to fix this.  
they remained silent for the rest of the morning and the mood was empty, without anger, without desperation. this carried out through to the car journey and wore off when they got to the studio. when they pulled up, they looked at each other and for the first time in the whole hour, the silence was broken.  
“let’s just have a good time alright? just enjoy this day in the studio. that’s all i ask of you.” brendon told dallon who replied with a nod and a refreshed look. they gave each other a friendly light hug and got out of the car.  
he took what brendon said and respected it. he had a good fucking time in that studio and got a lot of shit done. they all exchanged the dumbest jokes between spilling out pages of lyrics to be distilled later in the process and just made a lot of noise. seriously. a LOT of noise.  
“so,” brendon declared “looks like we’ve only got two more days in the studio, and then i guess we’re going to record the real thing!”.  
those two days absolutely flew by. there wasn’t even any time to be upset or think anxious thoughts. dallon was somewhere in the stage where his panic attacks just seemingly disappear for ten days and he sure wasn’t complaining.  
“back to the street where we began” spencer mockingly sang into brendon’s ear and brendon hit him.  
“wrong, motherfucker, i’m not going back to that studio ever again in my life.” he snapped.  
“k, bren” spencer laughed.  
“um, everything alright there?” dallon raised his eyebrows playfully.  
“yeah, babe, spencer’s just being a bitch.” spencer choked at this.


	12. Chapter 12

“we’re done! we did it!” brendon exclaimed.  
“finally. i thought you were going to force us to listen to it a sixteenth time and watch you drag a note to change it’s placing by 0.01 of a second.” spencer whined.  
“hey, i’m no way near as bad as ryan. credit to the guy, he made sure it was all at it’s best, but he was fussy as fuck.” he laughed and spencer shrugged his shoulders as if to say ‘fair enough’.  
“you ready to show pete?” spencer asked.  
“yeah, i knew we’d be done today so i texted him to come, earlier on, and he said he’d be here any time around 4. and it’s half past, so, i guess he’ll be here soon. no harm in listening to it again, right?” brendon asked half rhetorically, half actually questioning.  
“bren, you don’t want to do that, trust me. you’re going to end up changing it so much that you aren’t going to like it anymore.” dallon told him.  
“okayyy” brendon replied and rolled his eyes.  
ten minutes of attempting to distract brendon went by and pete came through the door with 4 tacos. dallon gave him a weird look and brendon and spencer looked at each other tearing up.  
“i got tacos!” pete exclaimed and brendon started sobbing with a mixture of happiness and nostalgia. that’s when it hit dallon: when panic! first got signed, pete took them out to del taco.  
“you’re so cute brendon” dallon laughed and pulled him in for a warm hug.  
“man, i didn’t think you’d get so worked up over tacos” pete laughed as he put them down on the table and got a seat in front of the mixer.  
“dude shut up, you knew what you were doing when you got them tacos, you sly fuck” brendon said as he composed himself and wiped his tears off his face.  
“you caught me” pete said, softening up. “so, lets get this record playing then.”  
they played every single track they’d made in the past few months and pete nodded his head with a smile. “great! really different to your last record, but at this point i’m not too surprised. so, are all of these going on the album?”  
spencer replied “well, we’re thinking of releasing the singles, an extended play and an album.”  
“that’s a good way of going about it. there’s quite a lot of tracks you’ve got.”  
“yeah” spencer replied.  
“well, best of luck to you all. i would say let’s go out to dinner now but we just sat and ate tacos listening to the tracks for over an hour.” pete laughed.  
“ha, it’s okay pete, i think we need to all go home before we end the day in screaming” spencer said.  
“yeah, i know what you mean. patrick’s the most annoying person to be with in the studio, he’s such a damn perfectionist.”  
dallon laughed as he looked at brendon pointedly.  
they saved the tracks, packed up and left to go home. when brendon and dallon got back to their house, they crashed on the sofa with a beer each and ended up sleeping there through the whole night.  
the sun woke the pair of them up at almost the same time and when brendon looked over at dallon to see he was awake too he said his usual greeting of “morning babe” and got up.  
“where are you going?” dallon asked.  
“kitchen. coffee?”  
“you don’t even have to ask, babe”  
“ok, true. you need to come and take your meds.”  
“you know...” dallon began as he walked through to the kitchen. he was going to suggest to brendon maybe stopping his meds or at least taking them a little less. he hadn’t had a panic attack in the last three weeks, which made him feel like the awful side effects of the meds that literally didn’t do shit, really wasn’t worth it. however as soon as he started, it hit him hard and there he was, having a fucking panic attack.  
brendon looked at him with a bit of an odd look when he saw the expression on dallon’s face, he was so pale and just looked a little freaked. when brendon caught his eye, dallon immediately started hyperventilating and saying in a defeated voice “it’s happening again, oh my fuck, please, it’s so horrible”.  
brendon came over to him and hugged him tight and dallon hugged back as if he never wanted to let go and just wanted to stay in his embrace forever. brendon pulled away and began talking “right, take a big deep breath in okay? it’ll be over before you know it, i promise, and breathing will help. i’m right here, and you’re alive. you’re in the world, you’re living, you’re breathing, you have me here to help you and you’re going to be okay.”  
brendon’s words and presence were the best distraction for dallon and helped to numb the awful, weird feeling that was twisting his guts and tingling his chest.  
“please, can i have your hand” dallon asked as he was coming towards the end of the panic attack.  
brendon gave him his hand and said reassuringly “hold onto me as tight as you want, just get it all out of your system, it’s going to be alright”. dallon grabbed hold of brendon’s hands, scrunched his eyes and squeezed them as he spoke. when he let go, he let out a long sigh and leant on the breakfast countertop. “hey, sit yourself down” brendon told him and he did so. “you okay?” he asked.  
“i’m okay. thank you brendon.” he replied a little breathlessly.  
“good. you know, i think i’ve clocked it.”  
“clocked what...?”  
“your panic attacks. well, the type that you just had... not like the ones caused by anxiety. you’ve always had them for like two – three days straight and then not had any for like, what... ten/twenty days.” brendon told him.  
“yeah, i’ve kind of noticed that too, but, there’s still nothing i can do about it, so i guess it doesn’t even matter.”  
“but, you’ve done so well these past weeks! you haven’t had any other problems and it’s just these panic attacks that have no triggers that are kind of weighing you down.”  
“yeah, you’re right, but still... that doesn’t change the fact that they happen and god damn it let me tell you brendon it is unimaginable, the awful feeling.”  
“i know dall, i don’t even know how bad it must be for you and i’m not going to be a dick and say i know how you feel because i don’t and i’m sure you respect that. i’ve been thinking a lot, and i just feel like it’s probably even more upsetting and damaging to your mental health to have to take all of these pills. maybe we can start to ease you off of them? don’t worry if you don’t feel comfortable with that, then it’s totally fine. it’s just a suggestion.”  
“you know brendon, that actually means so much to me that you trust me, i appreciate you being able to say that so, so much. i was going to suggest a bit of a similar thing to you right before i had this fucking panic attack. thing is... do you think that coming off of the meds will make these panic attacks happen more frequently though and we’ll lose the knack of knowing when they happen?”  
“honestly dallon, i don’t know and that is a good point. we’re going to have to ask your doctor about this. is this something you’re willing to do?”  
“yeah, should we go today? we haven’t got anything planned have we?”  
“nope, let’s go today.”


	13. Chapter 13

back to the doctors, we went. oh how refreshingly familiar was his office.

brendon and i had sat down and explained how i wanted to ease off of my medication and our concerns that it may make my panic attacks worse. we came to a conclusion that we can simply try, and go from there. he also handed me over a card with a suicide hotline on it and i just stuck it in my pocket, not overly acknowledging it as i didn't seem keen on the idea.

now, its three in the morning and i'm contemplating my fucking existence. i know that what i'm feeling is just because i have there's a chemical imbalance in my brain and i should be used to it, but i don't think that being used to it makes you feel it any less. it gives you another reason to want to kill yourself, to be honest.

brendon does not deserve to be woken up right now and is not subjective to listen to my dumb fucking problems, but neither is anybody else. there's a whole damn list of people that would be here for me right now, telling me not to do it, not to jump, not to cut, not to die. but, it's so pointless.

my eyes travel across my bedroom and i notice the card from earlier poking out of the pocket in my jeans. i really don't want to do it. it's degrading, but it's tempting. the worst it could do is absolutely nothing for me. i'm running out of options here, so i may as well. cautiously, i collect my phone and the card, and take myself into the kitchen, which is the furthest room from our bedroom.

my hands shake more and more as my fingers travel across the numbers on my phone and i have to take a minute before i press 'call'.

"hello?"

"hi, as you probably know, you've called the national suicide prevention hotline. would it be okay if i just asked you a few questions, to start off with?"

"okay"

shit, what if she asks my name? i can't have this leaked in the press!

"okay, good. now first off, what's your name?"

fuck, fuck, fuck.

"um, my name is james"

there we go, middle name should do the trick.

"okay james, my name is grace. do you mind telling me a little bit about your mental health right now and what's brought you to calling us?"

"um, well... um... i'm sorry this is just really embarrassing and awkward, i hate this, i'm sorry"

"it's okay. i've been right in your shoes before and i know how you must be feeling right now. obviously everybody is different, but i've called a suicide hotline before. are you in a safe place right now and not causing any harm to yourself?"

"yes, i'm in my house. i'm not... you know... hurting myself or anything."

"okay, good, so tell me what you're thinking right now."

"i..."

"don't hesitate, i've had plenty of calls from people on here before."

"i just... i want to die. i just don't want to exist anymore. i've got a lot of mental health problems that i have to deal with, like panic attacks, anxiety, derealisation, frequent mood changes. wanting to kill myself just so happens to be one of the current symptoms i'm experiencing and i'm just scared i'm going to do it."

"why are you scared you're going to do it?"

"what...?"

"why are you scared if that's what you want?"

"it might not be the right choice, and the repercussions for the people i've left behind are not fair"

"so does that make you not want to kill yourself?"

"well... yes, i guess you're right. i still feel fucking shit right now though, and that brings me back to the thought of nothing really mattering when i'm dead."

"so, do you think that suicide is the easy way out?"

"honestly, yes."

"tell me a bit about your job."

"um... i work in the music industry."

"do you play an instrument or write music?"

"yes, both."

"okay. now, going back to how we've established that suicide is the easiest option, when you are playing an instrument, when you play it, does playing it the easiest way possible sound the best?"

"no, it doesn't, i think i see where you're going with this, it's a metaphor for life, right?"

"right. you see... this is going to make you cringe, especially coming from a twenty year old girl on a suicide hotline, but you've been given a life, whether you like that or not. and when you have a life, you can experience and feel things, so you may as well take that and experience as many good things as you can. life may seem pointless and it kind of is, but we've still been given the opportunity to feel, see, do, have fun, eat, and more. name three things that you like about life."

"well, my um, my partner, music and friends, really."

"great! now, you've got to take these all as reasons to keep on going. how are you feeling now?"

"enlightened, to be honest, haha."

"ha, good. now do you feel okay enough to maybe get some rest?"

"yes, i think so. thank you very much for your time."

"that's alright. now, please take care of yourself and if you feel like you need to call again, do so. good night."

when the call ended, i returned to our bedroom and let myself back into the covers. i can't help but to give brendon's big forehead a kiss before i drift back off into my sleep.


	14. Chapter 14

"morning, babe" brendon said quietly as dallon's eyes opened. they were lying beside and facing each other.  
"hey" dallon whispered.  
"you okay?" brendon asked.  
"yeah, i love you, brendon"  
"love you too. promise me you're alright?"  
"yeah, i promise. is everything okay with you?"  
"yeah, yeah, don't worry" brendon shrugged it off and changed the topic. "breakfast?" he asked and dallon nodded, getting out of bed, brendon following suit.

they made toast and coffee and dallon took his meds, but in a slightly smaller dosage this time. they followed the same routine for another two weeks until dallon was completely off all medication. in these two weeks, the three of them (spencer, brendon and dallon) had got a lot of things organised in terms of touring dates, which singles were to be released and many other productive work things.

the whole time, dallon never mentioned anything about the call he made that one night to the suicide hotline. he didn't need brendon worrying, or the embarrassment of admitting what he did either. that was until brendon randomly brought up the discussion, whilst they were lounging about on the sofa and watching television.

"hey dallon?" brendon asked.  
"yeah?" he replied.  
"a couple weeks ago, i think i heard you on the phone to someone in the middle of the night and then you came back into bed and kissed me. who were you on the phone to?"  
there was a pause after brendon spoke and the time turned brendon's face of pure curiosity into more of pure worry. dallon froze. he started turning pale and felt his clammy hands begin to shake. he swallowed really hard and took an unsteady, anxious breath before speaking. "look this is so embarrassing and i'm really sorry, i don't want to lie to you, i called the number on the card the doctor gave me, for when you know, the, the suicide hotline, i called the suicide hotline, i'm sorry"  
"dallon breathe, jesus christ" brendon said, placing a hand on dallon's shoulder.  
"i'm so sorry, brendon, i'm sorry, i'm sorry"  
"dallon don't be stupid, come here"  
brendon pulled him into a hug and dallon took a deep breath, whilst in his embrace. they stayed attached for a full minute before they pulled away.  
"can i just say," brendon began "i'm glad that you called the hotline because you deserve all the help that you can get and you really needed that. i'm sure the people on there know way more about what they're talking about than i do. obviously you can always talk to me and i will always be here, but it's important you also talk to people who are more knowledgeable. i'm actually really proud."  
"thank you so much for not flipping out or getting weird about it. you know how things just get in my head, where i think of the worst situation."  
"trust me baby, i know it better than you do, believe it or not." brendon was right, even if he couldn't do anything about it, he had gotten good at distinguishing dallon's moods over the past year. the most he could do is offer him kisses and sex without directly addressing the problem, just to take his mind off of things. there's no way brendon would ever not be up for sex, so he didn't mind that dallon liked getting it on to snap out of a bad mood. one thing they did save for the most important times was hugs. real hugs, not just cuddling, were saved for times they were really, really needed.


	15. Chapter 15

"here's to the new single!" brendon exclaimed, clinking his glass against the two boys beside him's glasses (spencer and dallon).

"ah yes, and to not being able to get the fuck away from each other for a very long period of time, starting next month." dallon added, winking and laughing, knowing he was only speaking the truth that they all had to look at in a comical way.

"i think what dallon's trying to say is here's to the tour, too!" brendon replies, just having to be a positive little fuck.

"yeah, uh that..." after the pause, dallon glanced over to spencer and they both burst out laughing, spencer putting his face in his palms and dallon hitting his knee.

brendon rolled his eyes, but smiled and returned from the bar they were sitting at to the table where pete, patrick, zack, butch walker, and john feldman were sat at.

"you know, when i heard that saying that opposites attract, i thought it was fucking bullshit, but you two have proven me wrong." spencer smiled.

"me too, i'm not going to lie to you. i think that's where i went wrong... going after all these pessimistic, sad and bipolar girls. just because they were the opposite gender, didn't mean they were the opposite to me, i guess."

"so you decided you wanted to date guys instead?" spencer asked curiously. he was actually enjoying this conversation and liked getting to know dallon, as part of him always just seemed a bit mysterious and untold, which was probably what people found as his charm.

"there wasn't a definitive sexuality change or anything, i met you guys, toured with you and got to know you, brendon fucked around with me on stage as you've seen and i just wanted to be with him so bad. he's such a little shit."

"i'll agree with you on that one. i watched him fuck with ryan's head since the day they met. it's just good to know that he's matured and by the time he met you, he knew how to actually fall in love."

"well, i'm glad too!" dallon chuckled and spencer grinned.

"right, i guess we better get back to guys." spencer said as he patted dallon on the back and they both got off their stalls.

they walked back to the table to join everyone and within a few minutes the waitress came over to ask what they would like to order for food.

"patrick and i would like to order the seafood sharing platter, please." pete asked the waitress and the expression on patrick's face read that he felt extremely uncomfortable and awkward and that he was literally trying to remove himself from the situation.

brendon snickered because he simply couldn't help himself and decided that he admired pete's assholeness right in that moment, therefore resulting in him saying "dallon and i will have the same, please, madam." he looked up at dallon and was greeted with a look that read 'you piece of shit'.

"and for you sir?" the lady asked spencer who looked visibly not out with a partner .

"i'll have the ribs, please." spencer looked up from the menu and greeted the woman with a sweet smile.

"sure," she beamed back, feeling welcomed.

zack ordered a burger and john and butch took their orders too.

just as the waitress was about to turn around and leave with their menus, she quickly looked back at spencer and left.

"dude, that chick is totally into you" pete exclaimed to spencer when she was out of sight, to which spencer raised his eyebrows at and laughed off.

"no, he's right, she was checking you out, dude. you should go over to her and see what her deal is. i'm being serious." brendon added, nodding at pete.

"ok, well, i'll go and order another beer and we'll see where it goes from there." spencer joked and got up to return to the bar.

conversations continued and spencer managed to pull the girl and get her number. their food was served and they all went out to a club to continue the rest of the night. they all had a great time and got extremely, bat-shit wasted.


	16. Chapter 16

"last night was fucking awesome" a clean and dressed brendon greeted dallon, spencer and zack who where lounging about on the sofas.

"looks like you're still feeling a bit awesome, considering your lack of a hangover" spencer laughed in slight envy.

"you know, i'm actually doing okay! how are you guys all holding up?" brendon asked.

"i'm actually starving. i don't know why." dallon with a questioning look following a shoulder shrug to brush it off.

"me too man, but then i'm always up for food, so..." zack replied, with the smallest grin somehow creeping on his exhausted face.

"why don't you eat, then, instead of sitting there and complaining." brendon suggested, making them seem like fucking idiots who were over-reacting.

"brendon, i wouldn't fuck with me today." zack warned him.

"ooookay. well, the fridge is full of food and free for your use, so go ahead." 

zack stretched, moaned, groaned and got himself up off the sofa to get something to eat. dallon also got up to go to the toilet.

when dallon finished, instead of unlocking the door and returning, he stood infront of the mirror and let his mind just take over. he hadn't let himself do that in a while, but he was really tired and felt like he just needed a break from trying so hard and staying so positive.

dallon's pov

i don't think i've looked this tired since touring. or maybe after a panic attack. damn, thinking about that, i haven't had one in a while. i think it's been maybe three weeks? that can only mean that one is due to happen any time now. i mean... if one happens, then one happens. i can't change that and i certainly don't want to think myself into one over having one. i can do better than that.

before he knew it, he'd spent a good 10 minutes in there and was disturbed in his thoughts by a faint knock on the door.

"dallon?" a small voice travels through the thickness of the door.

"u-uh um y-yeah?" dallon fumbles and his skin burns red on the surface of his face.

"are... are you okay?" this time the voice is more distinctive, it's brendon. a worried brendon.

"y-yeah..." dallon stuttered again, beginning to question to himself in his mind why he didn't just open the door when his name was first called. maybe they all thought he was taking a huge dump and sent his boyfriend to make sure he wasn't actually shitting out his organs because he was taking so long.

he slowly opened the door and looked at brendon.

"hey, babe, you look really anxious, what's going on?" brendon said, taking dallon's hand into his and leaning up to kiss his forehead.

"i don't know, i guess i just got a little startled when you knocked on the door... its silly, whatever, i'm fine." dallon tried to reassure him.

"okay, well i'll let you in on something here... i actually knocked very faint on the door because i noticed that you locked yourself in the toilet for longer than 5 minutes and from living with you i have learnt that your shits take less than 5 minutes, which means you're in there because you're anxious, so i knocked faintly so i wouldn't make you feel any worse."

"okay, you caught me" dallon raised his hands and chuckled "but, i did actually have to pee first"

"yeah, because you were anxious. what's wrong, babe? i've been meaning to tell you that you've done so well these past few weeks, you know."

"i really don't know, bren, i'm just feeling anxious. there's no reason. and thank you, it's only because i have you. you make me not want to be a train wreck."

"well i'm flattered" brendon laughed. "is there anything i can do to help you?" he asked with hope and sympathy in his eyes.

"no, but you can kiss me..." dallon said and the corners of his lips turned up.

brendon went straight in and let his tongue slide into dallon's mouth. he sucked on dallon's lips gently and slid his hand down his back, gripping onto him as he gets as much as he can of dallon's mouth.

they slowly pull away from each other and dallon looks down at the ground, which isn't really something he would do, but now he's cold turkey from the meds, it makes him a slightly different person obviously because they are brain changing meds.

brendon lifted dallon's head and said to him "it's going to be okay, i will be with you for every second you want me to and if you feel like you're going to have a panic attack, i promise, i'll be right there and i'll help you through it. i love you, dallon."

"i love you so much more" dallon declared.

"hmm whatever." brendon rolled his eyes and smirked "are you okay to go back now or do you need a minute?"

"i'm okay, thank you brendon."

"it's ok"

when they returned to the living room, zack and spencer were too busy battling it out on mario kart to really care about anything else which helped to kill at least just a single nerve in dallon's stomach.

he carried on walking into the kitchen and made everyone a sandwich, despite it being 3pm - aka the most awkward time of the day to be eating whatever you want to call the meal.

brendon had made a habit of coming behind him and holding onto him whilst dallon was cooking or making something in the kitchen and they both found something just so comforting about it - like a gap that was being filled.

"i don't piss you off when i do this do i?" brendon asked.

"no, b, i fucking love it." dallon admitted.

"well that's good because i love it too and i weren't planning on stopping any time soon."

"good, good" he replied.

over in the living room zack and spencer had just finished the final race and spencer shouted "that's right zack, i just beat your ass!".

"hey don't get too cocky, girls don't like that. you might lose that linda girl you met if you carry on." zack teased.

"she's not just 'that linda girl' she's my fucking girlfriend, and she's not going anywhere. she's mine and i love her" spencer said getting a little protective.

"i know, i know" zack said smiling because he never thought that spencer would really be coming out with these words and this much passion when he originally became his security guy. "i wonder what brendon and dallon are up to... probably sucking each other's cocks right now in the room next to us!"

"gross" he laughed.

dallon randomly stopped making the sandwich and turned round to look at brendon and brendon cautiously unwrapped his grip from him.

"you okay?" he asked, concerned.

"i can't do this. this feeling in my stomach. the constant feeling, it's there and i know it's there and i can't get rid of it."

"hey, it's okay. give yourself a break. sit down." brendon told him and he sat down with him "you promise me there's nothing at all that you're thinking about that's actually making you anxious?"

"yes!! and that is why i can not make it go away. because there is no pilot light that i can even blow out. now what the fuck am i going to do, this is so horrible."

"you're going to get through this; that's what you're going to do. you're going to take things easy, and at a slow pace today, because that's what your brain wants and needs. so take a big deep breath and let it just move right through you."

"okay okay, i'm sorry, i over reacted" dallon apologised and started running his hands through his hair.

"dallon" brendon said, suddenly stiffening up and becoming really serious. he took his hand and got him to look him right in the eye. "you are okay." he finished and dallon let out a long breath and closed his eyes.


	17. Chapter 17

what brendon wasn't expecting from dallon closing his eyes was for him to fall to the floor.

as dallon's head smashed to the wooden tiles, brendon shreiked and spencer and zack called out to ask what happened.

"JUST GET THE FUCK IN HERE NOW" brendon cried out from the kitchen and startled the two of them.

they both fell to the floor next to brendon when they saw dallon lying unconscious. zack luckily had his brain on and checked his pulse.

"he's got a pulse, but he's unconscious. what the fuck happened?"

"i don't fucking know! what do we do!?"

"well it depends what's wrong with him! this could be serious!"

"l-let me check the medication cabinet..." brendons stomach twisted and his eyes grew bags of water underneath his eyeballs as he rushed to the cabinet to check if dallon had taken anything. "i really fucking hope he didnt take anything" brendon squeaked.

he slammed open the cabinet only to find an empty bottle of sleeping pills that he swore were half full the other day. brendon completely lost the plot and there was no way that he was going to force himself to keep his tears back any longer.

"THEYRE GONE" he screamed "THE THE THE PILLS THEYRE ALL GONE". he ran over to zack and spencer shaking and sobbing. spencer pulled him in so tight and squeezed him hard, crying too. zack picked dallon up and rushed to his car, not caring about his hangover and trying not to feel anything at all so he could just get dallon to the hospital.

they got to the hospital and dallon who was still unconscious, was taken into a room to get his stomach pumped.

brendon and zack sat outside the room in the chairs and spencer was outside getting some air. brendon's head was resting on zack's big shoulder and zack had his hand over brendon, trying to comfort him, despite him being worried sick, himself. 

the silence was comfortable and they both just had this overwhelming feeling of sadness and panic that sent their bodies into becoming numb and shutting off slightly.

this had to be the worst day ever, brendon thought to himself. worse than the day he read dallon’s suicide note on tour.


	18. Chapter 18

all of the torturous time spent waiting only meant that there was more room for brendon to recount every single event of the day in his mind. through this, he came across so many black holes. he didn’t see it coming at all. he thought dallon was just anxious. he thought he had it under control.

finally, after the worst few hours, they were greeted by a nurse. “hello, are you here for mr dallon weekes?” she asked.

“y-y-yes” brendon stuttered eagerly and you could see the frustration he was creating in himself, in anger of how he couldn’t get his words out fast enough.

“would one of you like to come into the room to see him? he has been dealt with such great luck and we’ve managed to flush everything out of him. he will not be in a great condition at all and he is unable to speak, but he does have a conscience.”

“oh my god. he made it. oh my god. oh my god.” he continuously repeated, unable to process it. “but i don’t think i can do that, honestly. i just can’t. do you know when he’ll be in a good enough condition to talk? i can’t see him like that. and i can’t do that to him either, it’s like torture to not be able to talk! and his mind really needs a rest.”

“i think if he gets enough rest, he should hopefully be talking and a bit more ‘with it’ tomorrow. it’s very late, gentlemen, i think you should go home and get some rest, yourselves, and come back to visit tomorrow if that’s how you’re feeling. i promise that mr weekes will be in good care.” after him. 

“thank you so much for saving him, even though i can’t quite process it yet.” brendon told the nurse, desperately, not caring in the slightest bit how pathetic he sounded, despite him knowing it. this had really shaken him up.

“that is okay. i understand how you all must be feeling. now, please do take care of yourselves.” she told them, glancing to spencer, zack and back at brendon before leaving.

the absence of the nurse and the dark night outside the window was their cue to leave.

everything started happening in automatic. there was little to no conversation and more of just a comfort found in each other’s presence. zack and spencer decided to stay with brendon until dallon was to get back from the hospital. 

when they arrived at brendon’s place, they immediately crashed from exhaustion of emotions. the sun started to rise before they knew it and brendon was the first to wake at 5am. inside his head, he was wishing that he could just sleep a little more and not face life, just for another few hours - killing time and killing his mind.

still in auto-pilot, unable to choke a word out, brendon got into his clothes and made himself breakfast. zack and spencer got their own food when they were ready and before they knew it, it was time to return to the hospital.

dallon had managed to position himself so that he could read one of the lousy, cheap magazines that the hospital provides beside the bed. he looked up from the page, only for his guts to start twisting. brendon was standing right before him, looking so, so exhausted. 

dallon thought to himself ‘this is what you’ve fucking done. you’ve pulled this poor man into the tragedy of what your life is, when he could have chosen any guy or girl.’

he was dragged out by his thoughts, however, when brendon came and sat beside him and took his hand.

“dallon. i just want to appreciate this moment, okay. you don’t have to say anything. i don’t want you to try to explain any of this. i am so fucking-“ his voice cracked and he tried to quickly regain composure “i am so, so fucking glad... you’re here. i love you. don’t leave. i love you. i love you. i fucking love you. that’s it.”

dallon took a deep breath and showed appreciation of brendon holding his hand by placing his other hand on top “i love you too.” and with that, tears trickled down both of their cheeks. 

brendon really didn’t want any explanation or depression talk or apologies in that moment; he just wanted to appreciate the presence of dallon. 

they spent a while letting out all their emotions through physical behaviour and no words. brendon rested his head against dallon’s lap and dallon traced his fingers through brendon’s hair. it was so comforting, but every few minutes, the idea that this could have been impossible, had the suicide attempt been successful. the thought was sickening and gave his stomach and chest a tingle that he kept trying to forget.

brendon slowly lifted his head and gently asked “spencer and zack are here, do you want to see them?”

“ok” dallon simply replies, half-heartedly trying to turn the corners of his mouth into something that resembled a smile. they both knew exactly what that was.

brendon left the room and a minute later spencer and zack entered. brendon thought that it would probably be too overwhelming for the three of them to all be in there with dallon, so he went to get a coffee.

“hey buddy” spencer said smiling.

“hey guys” dallon managed to croak out.

“dall, you’re a fighter, man. respect to you for staying alive, we appreciate it.” zack half-joked and managed to get a small but genuine smile from dallon.

“i’m glad you’re not the lead singer, with that voice” spencer also added to the whole joke scene they had going on. 

“trust me, if brendon ever had his stomach pumped, i think we’d be saying goodbye to panic! at the disco” dallon replied in his broken voice.

“hmm, yes, i suppose” spencer said.

“so what’s you’re plan when you get out of here?” zack asked, trying to keep conversation going to keep dallon happy.

“that’s a bit of a vague question” dallon stated honestly.

“well, you know, what films are you going to watch, what food are you going to eat? you know... just the fun stuff that you can’t do in here”

“hmm, probably watch closer, psycho, some other crappy shit brendon wants to watch, oh and french fries sound nice.”

“well, that sounds great.” zack answered.

“and by that zack means the french fries. but i think that the movie ‘closer’ is also great. you probably already gathered that from-“

“from lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off, yep. you four were all suckers for that movie with the amount of references you’ve made in your music.” dallon cuts spencer off and winks.

“you know it!” spencer winks back.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dallon's POV this chapter.

Things are always going to be different now and I guess I am nearing acceptance to that. What they don't tell you is that when you survive an attempt, you view things in an ever so slightly altered perspective. The change is quite small, and it's only something you, yourself, can notice because you are the only one that is constantly inside your head and looking through your eyeballs. It's not something that can be explained and there is no definitive change that you can pin-point; it's more like the air you breathe changing its taste a little bit after going on vacation. It's like the sky you're used to casually looking at, without much care, being tinted a little more pink.

Brendon has been keeping me in good company for the whole week. He's barely left my side since I left the hospital and that's okay. I understand and I like being in his presence. Sometimes he actually will draw me away from my thoughts, even though that's what seems to be the most constant theme for me this week.

Just as the thought of him enters my mind he comes back into our bedroom from the toilet and greets me with a casual smile. That's the one thing I'm most appreciative of that he has managed to do for me: he's managed to keep smiling. Not false, not forced, not with any meaning behind it such as sympathy, worry, or 'please don't leave me' or 'god, I'm glad you didn't die'. The first thing he asked me when we got into the car and the doors shut, was what he could do for me. For a few seconds I actually felt anger reside in me, however rationality took over. I was initially angry because I did not want his sympathy this time. I was absolutely sick of pity after all of the guests paying visits and sharing their love for me, with me. Then I realised, what the fuck, this guy's long term boyfriend and best friend that he's been trying to keep's head above the water for the longest time has just tried to kill himself. He's going to have fucking emotions. I gave him a huge, lasting hug and told him, whilst in his embrace: "please, just stay your beautifully happy self. without the man I fell in love with, that's when I really am nothing. Just stay happy. I need you to do that, and you need you to do that. Okay?". It was true - at least one of us needed to give a little goodness into our bubble, and we knew that that was not going to come from me, considering what was the current circumstances of my mental health.

Instead of returning to his spot in our bed next to me, he grabbed my hand and pulled me out of bed. I just followed his lead, because, why not follow Brendon Urie's lead?

He took me out to the balcony and leant me onto the railings. He kissed me and fucked me and I thanked god that we didn't have any surrounding houses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this is a really good way to end this, with this chapter. I could continue the story with a volume two and I already have an idea on how I can start a volume two that will be in a different setting and environment. Please let me know if you would like that!


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